One of my biggest issues as a writer has been finding (and holding on to) inspiration. I was reading over my old journal today (quite the interesting/embarrassing read), and found this entry:
“Where has my passion gone? How did I let it get away for so long? I miss writing. I miss sitting down in front of a blank piece of paper (or computer screen) — and just letting it all flow out of me. It seems that lately I’ve been at a loss when it comes to motivation. The problem is: I don’t think I ever precisely knew what motivated me. Sometimes I just have it, and sometimes I don’t.”
To be honest, I barely remember writing those words. But reading them today, almost a year later, I feel that they still ring true. Somehow, the epiphany I reached then has only just now manifested. As a writer, I struggle with the concepts of inspiration and motivation. I hear other writers discussing the places they go to be inspired, the people that always “move them” to write, the little tools and tricks they can count on whenever they need the words to flow. And I’ve always wondered why none of that stuff works for me. I’m not an inspired type of writer. I’m not motivated. (Well…not like that…you know what I mean!) I don’t know what makes me write, I don’t know where it comes from (or how). I just…write. So when it’s gone, I have no way of getting it back.
So, what does all of this mean? Well, for one: Whenever I can write, I have an obligation to write. Because who knows when the mood will strike again! Whether I’m in the shower, out with friends, soundly sleeping — whatever. I have an obligation in each of those moments to write, if the writer in me has decided to surface. (I feel that this rationale can be applied to SO many people in SO many situations… we are all obligated to DO whatever it is that we are called to do, easy or not. Ready or not. Alas, another blog for another day.) And secondly: writing, for me, is something that CAN NOT and WILL NOT be controlled. I am an author with no control over what/when/how I write. In essence:
I am a writer controlled by her writing.
Come to think of it… that’s kind of inspiring.